GET YOUR FINGER OFF THAT BUTTON! YOU'LL BLOW US ALL UP!

I preached a sermon a few weeks ago in which I destroyed 2 pieces of electronic equipment: a computer keyboard and a cellular telephone.

Destroyed?  

Yes, literally destroyed. I took a big ol' hammer and just went to town on both of them. Someone held a clear shield to keep the audience from getting plastic splinters in their eyes, but there were pieces all over the front of the church!  And I'll admit it - it was fun. I had a blast! I just got this silly grin on my face and kept slamming that hammer down - what JOY!!

Why?! Do you have something against electronic equipment?!

No, I destroyed them IN PROTEST!

I was protesting all the many unnecessary conflicts they have caused. All the divisions that have occurred between brothers and sisters as a result of these 2 pieces of equipment.

You see, computer keyboards are used to compose EMAILS and FACEBOOK MESSAGES and cellular telephones are used to compose SMS MESSAGES. And I am convinced (by experience both as a conflict participant and as a conflict mediator) that a disproportionate number of interpersonal conflicts are caused by our society's over-reliance on electronic communication.

A disproportionate number of interpersonal conflicts are caused by our society's over-reliance on electronic communication.

What are you? Some kind of luddite?! Are you against technology, against progress?!i

No, actually I am a total geek!  I rarely find a problem that can't be solved, whether appropriately or inappropriately, by the application of some kind of technology. People laugh at me for my over-reliance on technology!

But I STRONGLY RESIST the use of technology when it comes to dealing with conflict or potential conflict.

Electronic messages are almost always brief and sterile. They are completely divorced from tone of voice, body language, and any of the other ways that we communicate. They come across as cold and are devoid of shades of meaning. The person reading these messages is completely free to imbue the message with whatever tone and emotions they wish to ASSUME.

We had a facebook-caused conflict a few months ago in church. Someone asked for music lessons on a certain instrument. The answer back from one musician was a simple, lighthearted "I'd have to learn that instrument before I taught you!"  Sounds reasonable and downright innocuous, right?  But another musician (who specializes in the given instrument) took offense, assuming that the first musician was implying inability on the part of the second. A quick 1-sentence message resulted in multiple hours of meetings to reach reconciliation.

Ridiculous? Absolutely! But just what I expect from electronic communication.

I live my life through email. I probably spend 4-5 hours a day reading and answering email. And my wife probably spends another hour a day reading the emails I am about to send!

Listen to the refrain that is sung by yours truly so beautifully many times each day:

"Honey, can you read this email before I send it -- I'm not sure if she will think..."

A Word to Writers of E-Communication

If the topic you are writing about is already in a conflict state, don't write an email or FB message or SMS. Just don't! Go and sit down with them and resolve it face to face.  Can't do that? Then call them on the phone!

If the topic you are writing about is just a little tense and you sense the potential for misunderstanding, don't write an email or FB message or SMS. Just DON'T! Go and sit down with them face-to-face and talk it out. Can't do that? Then call them on the phone!

If the topic you are writing about is completely tension-free and stress-free, still read over your email again with your empathy-glasses well focused. Try reading it out loud and look for areas that might be misunderstood. Read it to your wife or another friend to be sure it sounds OK. If you have the slightest hesitation, then do just that - hesitate. Don't press until you have slept on it; then come back and read it again through those empathy-glasses and think carefully and pray earnestly before hitting that button. If you are still hesitating then go and talk to them in person or at least give them a call on the phone.

Think if you have had any tense conversations or the like recently that your recipient might have foremost in their mind as they read your message - is there anything that could be misunderstood with that context? If so, go and talk face to face or call them on the phone.

[cue lulling music] Do you have a topic that is just too sensitive for you to bring up in person? It would be so much easier to send the message at arms length by email, wouldn't it?  [cue crashing cymbal, cut the music dramatically]

HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO ME?! DON'T DO IT!!! If you think the subject is too sensitive for face-to-face communication then it is WAY, WAY too sensitive for e-communication! Don't take the coward's way out - go and talk to them! At least that way you have a CHANCE of still being friends afterwards!

A Special Word to Leaders

If you are a leader then you are twice as tempted to jot off a quick email and you are twice as likely to be misunderstood because you have added weight of authority mixing things up.  If at all possible, do your business with those responsible to you in person. When that's not possible then give them a call on the phone. And when that's not possible, well, go ahead and press but you may as well CC your favorite mediator in the same email because there's a good chance they're going to be reading it pretty soon anyway!

If Solomon were alive today and writing Proverbs I am pretty certain he would have a lot of cautions about using email and FB messages indiscriminately. You were presumably chosen as a leader because someone thought you were wise, right? Well, use that wisdom. Take your hands off the keyboard and really talk with the people God has entrusted to you.

A Caution About CC and Reply-To-All and email history

Ah, what a wonderful invention carbon copy paper was back in the day. When I try to explain to my boys the source of that "CC" in their email they look at me as if I were a caveman.

CC is a great way to keep people in the loop with what you're saying.  But, wait, is what YOU are saying the only thing you are copying? What about that email 4 down in the thread that is still hanging on underneath your signature?

Before you hit take one more look at your address list and look to see if you have email history that shouldn't be included. 

And it's not just the email thread down below -- if you are complaining or rebuking or just writing a mean letter -- does it really need to go to anyone else?!

Several months ago I spoke in confidence on the phone with someone as they asked me for a candid evaluation of someone else. They took copious, exhaustive notes (including some misunderstandings!), put it all in an email and sent it out to about 12 people. I am still dealing with the fall-out there and it may have permanently destroyed a relationship! At the very least he should have written me individually first!  Those CC's caused the harm.

Use your CC with discretion - it's a sharp tool and sharp tools can cut deeply!

A Word to Readers of E-Communication

Here's areal conversation in our home about 3 weeks ago:

[strident, angry tone of voice]
"Melodye, did you read this?! Can you believe she would write something like this?! Here, look at this..."

[pause, punctuated by impatient foot tapping]

"Can you believe it? ... Oh, you're not done? ... yes, I'll wait ..."

[more foot tapping]

"Isn't that terrible? Who does she think she is?!"

"What? It doesn't sound bad to you? What are you talking about? Did you read the same email I read?"

"OK, I'll read it over again.  See, right here she says ... oh, I see ... but down here she ... oh, no, I guess that's not what she was saying."

[in a much more cheerful, even light-hearted tone]
"Never mind - no problem."

What you need to know is that this email was written by one of the sweetest young ladies you will ever meet!

Here's the take-away - Assume the Best!

Assume the best about the writer! Would the writer have said something like that to you in person? Does that sound like the person you know? No? Then don't assume the worst interpretation - look for the positive way you can interpret the e-communication.

What's that? There's no positive way THAT email could be interpreted? Then go to the person with it printed off, show it to them, and ask them if they can explain what it is they meant.  (Did you notice that special little word "ask" in that last sentence? Go back and read it again... Don't accuse - ask!) And keep an open mind until they have explained it!

And on to SMS

Whatever problems emails and FB messages have, SMS messages on your cellular phone are even worse. Where an email often includes enough words to explain what you mean even if the tone isn't there, the SMS doesn't. Do you know what the first S in that acronym means?  That's write - SHORT. That means there's plenty of room to get yourself into trouble but not nearly enough room to get yourself out of the trouble before the end of the message.

You've already got your phone in your hand - wouldn't it be easier to just call them up?

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E-communication is a beautiful thing and it does have a place. But that place is not when tensions are high or conflict has already spilled out. That place is not when a relationship is struggling back from a precipice. Use technology, but use it wisely - and more often than most of us tend to do that means getting our nether regions out of that office chair, taking our fingers off that keyboard, and crossing town to meet face to face for some REAL communication.

If you find you just can't resist whipping off that quick email, I have a permanent solution for you. You can borrow the same hammer I used in church and let loose on your keyboard for a while. Not only will it keep you from sending that iffy email, but think of the satisfaction you'll get!!!

"Honey, before I publish this blog entry, could you read it over to make sure it's OK?"