I WILL NOT be cheated! (Random personal thoughts on forgiveness)

I WILL NOT BE CHEATED!

I WILL NOT BE MADE A FOOL OF!

I WILL NOT BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!

I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TAKE WHAT IS MINE! (including my rights!)

A peak into the soul of a controlling man...

A recipe for bitterness and a brittle heart...

I wasn't always this way. I remember as a teenager working on a repair job with my uncle. He stepped off the ladder next to where I was working on the floor and stepped squarely on my fingers with his workboots. It hurt! But my response was reflexive - I apologized for getting in his way and almost making him fall... The other people in the room laughed at me (who apologizes when it is their fingers that got stepped on?!) but it seemed quite natural to me...

I remember maybe the day (?) when this attitude took root in my heart. I was in seminary but visiting at a relative's home. I had just had my car repaired and the mechanic had really hung me out to dry, overcharging and then not doing the job. I had worked myself up into a bit of a tizzy and eventually borrowed my relative's phone and called the mechanic and gave him "what-for" (threatening to stop payment on the credit card and eventually getting him to agree to fix the problem as he should have in the first place) while in hearing of the other people in the house. When I got back several people praised my assertiveness.

I'm a sucker for praise. Really.

That semester in my small group in seminary I brought this issue up several times. I was uneasy with my harsh solution - it didn't seem loving. Others in my small group gave me suggestions as to how I could have handled it in a more gracious way. But my brain chemistry was hung up on the praise I got for standing up strong and asserting myself and not allowing me to be cheated. 

I didn't make a conscious decision to become a jerk, but my emotions started setting down some ruts in my brain.

Did I mention that I'm a sucker for praise and for pleasing people? That praise felt good. And it left deep tracks in my brain that then, over the years, were trodden many times (often successfully - being strong is a pretty good way to get your own way which feels good which motivates you to do the same the next time and so on) and eventually became deep ruts.

Here's the issue. I'm not naturally assertive. Basically the only way I can usually "be strong" is to work myself into a frothing rage at the person who has (in my omniscient understanding and perception) mistreated me.

I have to "set myself against" the other person in order to be assertive.

And here's the real confession: I'm lousy at letting go. I never learned to truly forgive from the heart.

I have heard it said (Heb 2:6 - that's my way of not having to look up the actual citation) that there is nothing we do that is more God-like than to forgive our brother. 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about that. I would LIKE to be God-like in this aspect, but I find myself unable. Oh, I know the external steps - in fact, I'm somewhat of an expert on reconciliation and peacemaking and have often taught and preached on the subject. It's not the intellectual or the volitional (?) side that eludes me - it's my heart, my emotions. My heart has the grip strength of a boa constrictor and when it has latched onto a perceived offense... It. Just. Won't. Let. Go.

I've known this about myself for quite some time. A while back I dedicated the study theme of a calendar year to learning about forgiveness, reading books, listening to sermons and podcasts, etc. I increased my intellectual expertise on the topic by quite a bit. But my heart leaned up against the wall with its arms crossed - it wasn't interested in the slightest.

Fast forward to 2019-20 and my burnout. I spent time with a Christian counselor and with my sabbatical coach and both of them zeroed in on my anger and bitterness. (Among other things - don't be deceived into thinking that's the extent of how messed up I am.) They both separately suggested that I spend a prayerful afternoon or day coming up with a list of people I hadn't forgiven (sorry, trees!). Then the next suggestion was to write them each a letter. Not a letter to actually deliver to them, but a letter to get the thoughts out as a benefit to me. I spent days - weeks! - on these 2 exercises!

You see, in reconciliation and peacemaking one of the important concepts is after you have reconciled with the person you need to avoid "dwelling on" the offense - part of forgiveness is choosing not to talk about it or think about it. That's really good advice - the alternative is that you REHEARSE your anger and we all know that we get good at the things we rehearse...

So I made the intentional choice to not talk about and to try not to think about these offenses. The issue is that my Tricky, Troublesome Little Heart (TTLH * ) didn't get the memo. Week after week, month after month, sometimes year after year these offenses would continue to come to my thoughts in a burst of emotional anger and I would mercilessly squash them down because I had chosen not to dwell on it.

But I never let it go. Not that I didn't TRY to let it go. It's that TTLH - sometimes it just won't listen to the voice of reason and volition!

So my counselor and sabbatical coach both said that the issue was I simply had not allowed myself to process those emotions. 

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

(Ah, you haven't read Thompson's "Anatomy of the Soul," have you?! Great book - a bit of a wade, but it has been hugely helpful to me... I strongly recommend it.)

Emotions don't like being ignored. They (usually) don't have to dominate the discussion for an extended period of time, but if you don't let them talk when they want to then they will take it out on you in some way that you will NOT like in the future...

I've learned that when those offenses come to mind I can't simply "choose to think about something else." Maybe at some point I will get to the point where I can do that. But for now I need to respond differently, actually "listening" to what my emotions are saying. I might say something like this:

Yes, that was a rotten thing for him to do. Yes, that hurt a lot. Yes, I still feel that hurt, exquisitely at times. No, there's no justifying or rationalizing what he did. Perhaps he had a bad day or was struggling himself, but ultimately it is FACT that what he did was WRONG and HURTFUL and (unless I am completely misunderstanding) it was SIN. I recognize my hurt, I FEEL my hurt, and I accept/acknowledge that this person and his actions are the cause of my hurt. 

BUT I CAN'T STOP THERE! The above lets me process the emotion, lets it "be heard" but I'd better not stop there. Here's where I need to transition to:

So I've clearly established that he is a sinner. Just. Like. Me. I've clearly established that what he did was wrong and hurtful. Just. Like. Many. MANY. Of. My. Actions. Towards. Others. I've clearly established that he deeply offended me. Just. Like. My. Sin. Offended. God. (except my offense towards God was much greater.) And God forgave me. Now I *choose* to forgive this person (for me, these words HAVE to be spoken out loud... they just don't latch on otherwise). I choose to *bless* this person, praying that God will give success and joy to this person. And (most recent discovery) I pray that God will forgive this person. ** (all this is much better done out loud for me - if it's all in my head then it tends to skate across the surface of my mind whereas if I speak it out loud [preferably in a private setting to avoid straitjackets and padded rooms 😅] it leaves an imprint.)

Maybe it would help if I put these steps into a numbered list:

1. Acknowledge the hurt and validity of the offense (don't gloss over this! spend the time needed to actually feel what you are feeling)
2. Remind yourself that you are the recipient of much greater forgiveness for a much greater offense
3. Choose to forgive (and say it out loud)
4. Pray a blessing (peace & prosperity & success - be specific to what you know about this person's situation!) on the offender
5. Pray that God would forgive the offender
6. Rinse and repeat every time God (or your TTLH) brings the offense to mind

May I finish with an encouraging story? There's a particular person in my life who is a family friend, someone who deeply offended/hurt me a couple years ago, a betrayal that at least in my lifetime trumps all others. I went through the external steps, but my heart has deeply struggled. This person has been at the top of my list for needing to figure out how to actually let my hurt and bitterness go. I've been going through these steps multiple times a day with varying people on "the list" (sigh. yes, it's a long list.) but this person is *always* part of every walk-thru, usually right at the beginning. The other day I was in a restaurant with my family and I noticed that the person in the table opposite us was the doppelganger for this person. I pointed it out to my family and we agreed it could be an identical twin and we laughed and the conversation went on. But I was left out of the conversation for several seconds as I sat in stunned silence, overwhelmed by the fact that for the first time in multiple years the thought of this person had entered my head and the anger and bitterness sat in quiescence. That TTLH that I've fought for so long? It just chuckled at the similarity of appearance and then went on without even bringing up the offense. I am 100% sure that I will continue to struggle and have to keep going through these steps, but it was a bit of light at the end of the tunnel - maybe even this recalcitrant TTLH will finally learn to LET GO and truly forgive...

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* Tricky, Troublesome Little Heart (TTLH). Jeremiah 17:9 talks about our heart that is deceitful above all things. Obviously this is not in reference to our positional identity in Christ, but rather the old nature that we need to keep placing on the altar as we remind ourselves that this is not who we are anymore. But the emotions are not easily influenced by our pre-frontal cortex (volitional choice). And my TTLH is particularly prone to going a direction I don't like. I'm kind of fond of my heart (after all, it's the only one I've got!) but I do see us in a bit of internal strife about the direction we want to move...

** So Romans 12:19 talks about vengeance belonging to God. Galatians talks about doing good to those who hurt you and in so doing you will heap coals of fire on their head. I realized recently that before I added this step (praying that God would forgive the offender) I was treating God as my Celestial Hitman. I would go through all the external steps and then I would wait in gleeful anticipation for God to step in and ZOT the offender ("zot" is a technical term - if you aren't familiar with it then you aren't reading your BC comics enough). It doesn't take a genius to realize that wasn't exactly the kind of attitude that guides one's TTLH into actually letting go. Praying that God will forgive the person of this wrong obviously has plenty of Scriptural backing (Jesus on the cross, Steven while being stoned [not that kind of stoned, silly, the kind with big rocks that hurt you until you die!], and even verses like John 20:23 implying that our forgiveness somehow motivates/influences God's forgiveness). But, more importantly (in the context of my TTLH - probably not more important in the big picture), praying sincerely that God would forgive the offender requires me to take the next step in letting go the offense and actually desiring GOOD for this person. It's a step further along the same line that is started by praying a  blessing on this person.