Coach has a Plan. And winning the scrimmage may not be part of it.

I'm 57 years old and I've been trying for 18 months to get my driver's license. Yes, I have been driving since I was 12 and I have had my US license since I was 18 (as soon as I returned from growing up in Kenya). So why am I trying to get a driver's license now? The law in Spain is that you can drive on your US driving license for a period of time but if you live here longer than that then you are supposed to get a Spanish license. And I live in this nation of very technical driving exams overseen by extremely punctilious examiners, the land of impossible driving tests. Yes, I know that nearly 30 million people have a Spanish driver's license. So theoretically "impossible" might be an overstatement. But "impossible" feels like just the right word. My issue is that I keep getting into my head when it comes time to take the practical exam. I get nervous and then anxious and then lose my confidence and then I make stupid mistakes because I'm in my head. Growing up I had no lack of self confidence. When my family complimented me on something my half-joking response instead of "thank you" was "I know." Test anxiety, in fact anxiety itself, was basically something I never dealt with. I have been mugged in Amsterdam, chased down by bandits in pickup trucks on the road from Nairobi to Kijabe, and ran to join my wife while she was surrounded by men with automatic weapons in a favela in Rio de Janeiro. In each case my natural response was one of a "thrill" rather than fear or anxiety. I'll leave you to get out your textbook of psychoses and figure out what's wrong with me, but that's just always been my response. Then a few years back I failed in an important decision. And did it again in another area. And 4 more times. In big, important decisions. And I was introduced to Fear of Failure. I had limited enough experience that I had not developed grit and resilience and it sucked me under. This was my period of burnout, but that's a story for another day. Where it has an impact in this story is that although I have somewhat (perhaps mostly?) recovered from my burnout I still struggle with Fear of Failure. Sometimes I struggle mightily and sometimes I just give in with hardly a whimper. Second guessing decisions? Check. Replaying conversations over and over to find what I said wrong? Check. Freaking out over a driving exam even though I have been driving for 45 years? Check. My Fear of Failure leads me to an almost overpowering urge to give up. To quit. So today was my third attempt. The first time I failed partly because of nerves and partly because of a careless mistake. The second time I was so "in my head" with anxiety I'm surprised I could find the steering wheel, far less the clutch. So I knew today was going to take some serious work "capturing thoughts." (2 Cor 10:5) I started yesterday, journaling about courage and choosing to consciously exercise faith rather than giving into fear. I felt pretty good. My driving instructor was more encouraging than shaming and that helped too. I felt like I was in a good frame of mind to move into the exam today. But the day started out with a visit to the doctor and nobody there spoke English and I froze up and couldn't use even the little Spanish that I have learned. I got increasingly frustrated and felt dumb, useless, stupid. And frustrated. Did I mention frustrated? I don't think so well when I'm frustrated (let's all say "disregulated" together) and I was not thinking well. My discipline of capturing my thoughts fractured into a thousand shards and as I looked ahead to the exam at 11:30am my fear of failure hit me like a train wreck. By the time I drove to the exam I had pretty much convinced myself that I may as well turn around and drive home because I was definitely going to fail and turning around and going home would just be taking a shortcut to the inevitable same result. (If you too see the irony of driving to the place where I am going to take an exam to get a license to be allowed to drive... Well, you're not alone.) Fortunately as I was walking out of the house I grabbed my journal and I was super-early to the exam so I had time to sit down for a cup of (really bad, mezcla) coffee and spend nearly an hour journaling about things. I'm going to give you my largely unedited journal entry here... ===(snip from my journal)=== Terrified. Utterly "in my head." Desperate to find a reason, an excuse, ANYTHING to NOT do this. Right now the only thing holding me here is that I've paid over 200 euros to be here. What a stupid motivation! So why AM I here? Some "should" or "suppoed to" that hundreds of thousands of expats ignore with no consequence?! Or is it purely a test of courage and sanctification and character? Is the only real reason I am here is because God wants to teach me through the storm? Strangely, that would make it easier. It removes the pressure to perform at X standard and sets it as "do exactly as well as you are capable." In other words, do your best. If you give it your all and it doesn't meet X standard that's not the end of the world. Why? Because the real point is to please God and if I honestly do my best that's all He asks. Of course I can't use that as an excuse to do LESS than I can -- in fact in that sense it raises the bar. If passing the test by losing less than 10 points is the real goal and I lose 10 points then I can give up. If doing my best is the goal then when I've lost 100 points I still need to keep trying with ALL I've got. And doing it with joy? Wow, that's a serious raising of the bar... So... Dependence. Reliance. Ask Him. Wait on Him. Expect/Anticipate Him. And then lean in and push. Give it your all. No backing off or giving up. God doesn't expect me to give/do something I don't have. He wants my best. Period. No less. No more. Just my best. But... That Takes Effort. It's HARD! Well, Peter, if you are looking for an easy life you joined the wrong Kingdom! So... If the King asks for blood & sweat & tears & effort... You have a choice. But in reality, Peter, you already chose. This is exactly in line with the Freedom in Christ teaching re Goals and Desires. If I absolutely have to pass thie exam in order to have peace & joy, to have abundant life... well then there are TONS of people and events that can stand in my way and over which I have no (zero!) control. Who might that be? The examiner - whether she is the clutch nazi I had first during my first test or the fastest Spanish speaker in the world like my second examiner or one who is gracious and reasonable - I have no control. Other drivers could cause and accident where I have no fault. Traffic could push me into a situation where I am not prepared or just perform poorly. But if my goal is to see to my heart and respond/react in a way that pleases Him... Only He and I can stand in the way of that! And while He WILL provide tests/trials/challenges ultimately He is on my side! The challenges can be viewed like the game or the match in sport - if you are never challenged you simply will not improve. He wants my best (definition of LOVE) which includes my growth and development and imporovement. So ... what I am experiencing now are basically "pre-game nerves." But it's like a pre-season game or even a scrimmage where the "score" simply Does Not Matter! The point/purpose is to DO what the COACH wants you to do and thus to LEARN what the COACH wants you to learn. Imagine this... I'm a starter on the varsity team but for a scrimmage during practice the Coach puts me on the C team playing vs the other starters to help me develop some particular skill. In the movies the C team would win regardless but in real life the starters are almost always going to score more points. I am almost guaranteed to "lose" but in a scrimmage scoring more points is just not the point. In fact ... gulp ... the "skill" the coach MAY want me to learn is to lose well... Or (since He's God outside the sports metaphor) humility... So ... clearly the "Coach" can do something like this and set up a deliberate loss. It doesn't feel good, but He has the authority. And if I complain I'm the one who is in the wrong: I'm letting my desire to win the scrimmage override and maybe even limit or hamstring the coach's ability to train me as He wants. Obviously sovereignty means I can't "limit or hamstring" God's purposes. But my attitude can absolutely slow down or stop my progress. The same God "coached" Saul & David but the results were VERY different. It's not just that my attitude (and lack of submission) can slow down my progress but it can actually make it so I don't get to the same "destination" I could have if my attitude and submission and effort had been different. So ... What's it gonna be today, Peter? Cooperate with Coach in the Big Picture that HE has planned and is working towards? Or complain and moan and then give up and give only partial effort with a bad attitude? I choose Coach God and His purposes. I choose His Big Picture. I humbly request strength & wisdom. I Commit to leaning in with everything I have. ===(end the snippet from my journal)=== So I finished my journal entry there. And I paid for my (very bad, mezcla) coffee and walked over to where the practical exam was to start. I continued to wrestle with what implications my new perspective had on HOW I needed to comport myself in my test. I decided JOY and PEACE were the 2 hallmarks I needed to be aiming for. And for whatever reason that brought the kids' song "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart ... I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart" to mind. And I started humming it. And kept humming it. I hummed it while my test got delayed by almost an hour. And I used the song to remind me that Coach must have something in mind in this delay and I needed to respond in Joy and Peace. I hummed it while I got behind the wheel and prepared myself for the onslaught of Spanish from my examiner (nobody speaks faster Spanish than Andalucians!). I continued to hum it while I heard my examiner express sympathy for the difficulty of trying to do the exam in a foreign language and actually try to give instructions in English. I hummed it through roundabouts and pedestrian crossings and stop signs and racquets (turn right to turn left with a whole new set of rules - it's a big thing here) and I continued to hum it on to the end of my exam. And God used that humming of a silly kids' song and the commitment I had made to bless my mind and heart with Peace and clarity from beginning to end. I drove as if ... well, as if I had been driving for 45 years and this was just second nature to me. And at the end the driving inspector didn't just say I had passed -- he told me (in English!) "no mistakes!" Woo-hoo! I'm a fully certified Spanish driver! Let's go take part in a smash-up derby to celebrate!